The Youth and Teenage Years of Pastor Andrew Ray

Middle School Years

Sadly, there are only pockets of memories that I have of this period of my life. There were, no doubt, good times worthy of being remembered that I have simply forgotten, and likewise, bad times worthy of being forgotten that I remember all too well. Three things stand out and are worthy of mentioning as being formative in who and what I am today: (1) instability at home, (2) the struggle with sports, and (3) the disruption in schooling.

Adding to the already unstable home front, two things became increasingly fickle during this time of my life. My dad, albeit not all during this small window of years, was married and divorced four times. My mom, again not all in this period, was married three times, twice divorced, and once widowed. This only tells part of the story as there were plenty of other men and women that came and went as prospective stepparents. As a young boy who greatly desired a family, I frequently welcomed these people into my heart and life only to be disappointed when they were gone. This carousel of "family" bred in me two things: (1) a desire to be loyal to a fault and (2) a distrust in people. Many of these people were likely good people with good intentions, but there were also drug users, crooks, liars, and cheaters. As a result of the carousel of people, or at least in company with them, came an unstable living environment. During this period of my life alone, I can recall at least seven different homes in which I lived. That equals out to more than two places per year.

It was also during this time that baseball, which had consumed much of my life outside of school, passed me by. The athleticism and general abilities all around me were obviously progressing, but I was falling behind. The teams on which I played at this time had some of the best talent in our area and played the best talent from surrounding cities and states. I just could not keep up. Additionally, it was during this time that we first thought to check my eyesight only to realize that I needed glasses/contacts. The acquisition of glasses and a downgrade from a traveling team to a community league began the improvement in my skills and the hope of a future in baseball. My ability to field the ball at first base or in the outfield had always been satisfactory, but it was at this time that I greatly improved at the plate, going from the eighth or ninth batter on a traveling team to the second, third, or fourth batter on the new team. These changes were likely the saving grace to my baseball days.

The third noteworthy area of life involved my schooling. Transferring from elementary school to middle school apparently made me quite nervous and uncomfortable. I say this because I remember being sick to my stomach on almost a daily basis. Each morning, I would wake up feeling sick and dreading school. Having a dad as a teacher did not allow me the opportunity to miss as much school as I would have otherwise. Sadly, I remember sitting in class desperately trying to keep my stomach from making noises and frequently asking to be excused. It was one of the most tormenting things I can recall, and to this day, I have no explanation for what was taking place. Things finally settled down for me sometime during the seventh grade only to find out that I would have to change to Holston Middle School for my eighth grade year. This change was not by choice but was forced upon us by the Knox County School system who decided to close Gibbs Middle School and merge us with Holston Middle.

High School Years

If I could summarize high school in one sentence it would be, "High school took me to the highest of highs and landed me in the depths of despair." Personally, high school presented me with numerous adult decisions and adult circumstances for which I was ill-prepared. Educationally, I thought it odd that as a fourteen-year-old boy I was expected to choose a path of study that would encompass my high school years and predetermine my college studies. Athletically, I was to play with and against seventeen and eighteen-year-olds who had spent years in weight training and upper-level competition. As it pertained to relationships, I was to make decisions and set or not set boundaries that could and would impact the rest of my life. Socially, I had to decide whether or not I would smoke cigarettes, chew tobacco, drink alcohol, curse, make lewd statements and observations about girls, mock some people groups, and praise others in order to find acceptance in just the right clique. As a young man with no foundation, needless to say, things felt as though they just happened to me rather than occurring based upon my own cognizant decisions.

In some ways, adjusting to high school was far easier than I had suspected. The fear of initiations or hazings did not come to fruition. The surroundings did not seem all that different. After all, I had already been in school with most of my classmates and the teachers and building were familiar because I had spent many days on the premises with my dad who was a teacher and coach. For the most part, the materials covered in the classroom were not all that challenging and required little to no study time. Even the initial fear of competing in athletics soon subsided when I made the cut to be on the high school baseball team. The unknowns that had been so severely dreaded became known and comfortable. In fact, it seemed that I had not just survived but thrived. I was getting along with people, making good grades, and was a member of the varsity squad baseball team.

Perhaps the greatest rise was on the baseball diamond. I went from fear of not making the team to starting at first base in our first game of the season in my freshman year. I must confess that I was barely listening when the starting lineup was being read pregame, convinced that I had no reason to be attentive. In my mind, I was, at best, second on the depth chart and most likely third. When my name was called, two things went through my mind: (1) I felt sorry for the guy that I was certain should be starting, and (2) I was certain I was starting because my dad was a teacher and coach at the school. That concern was short-lived as somehow this scrawny little fellow (me) led the league in batting average after the first couple of weeks. One should not think too highly of my skills, I was just strong enough to hit the ball over the infielders' heads and not strong enough to consistently hit it deep enough for the outfielders to catch.

By the time I was finished, I had delivered numerous victories on the mound as a pitcher and at the plate as a hitter. While I was not the most athletic, I was successful both in the field and at the plate and frequently maintained the highest batting average on the team and one of the highest in the league. As a result, I had obtained game balls, trophies, and plaques; earned all-conference, all-city, and all-state team honours; received letters from several Division-I schools (Tennessee, Clemson, and Virginia Tech); and an invite to try out for the Cleveland Indians. For a young man from a little country school, this was all a big deal; however, it all stopped short of scholarship offers and opportunities at the next level. The truth is, I was too short, too weak, and too slow and scouts believed that any success I had was short-lived and would not translate to Division-I or professional baseball.

On the education side of things, I typically maintained good grades and a good grade point average, but not because I was especially studious or even grasped the material. For the most part, high school is not designed to challenge those who need it, but to keep those who struggle from failing. This layout is faulty for two reasons: (1) it holds back those that should be driven to greater heights, and (2) it gives a false sense of accomplishment to those who are carried across the finish line to graduate without actually possessing the desired knowledge or experience. In this environment, I rose to the top, eventually becoming the president of the National Honour Society at our school. When senioritis hit me, my grade point average dropped below 3.5 and I was removed from the post that I never actually deserved.

Socially, I did my best to get along with all, but very few were welcome to truly know me. I did not believe that I fit squarely into any one group and therefore desired to be nice to all. Having witnessed the devastation of drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes in the lives of those I loved, I chose to avoid them at all costs. Sadly, some of the friends I had known since elementary school decided otherwise and would come to school on Monday mornings seemingly hung-over from the weekend parties. This, along with other circumstances, narrowed my inner group of closest friends to somewhere around four or five. I had already had so many people come and go from my life, and finding people that could truly be trusted not to destroy you or mock you was nearly impossible. Although I was not saved, at least two of the people closest to me were and they gradually began to ask me questions and make recommendations regarding my eternity. Sadly, it would not take root until I was empty of self and aware of my own hopelessness.

On that note, it would be in the area of relationships that God would eventually remove the scales from my eyes and let me see myself as undone, unclean, and without hope. Having a dad who coached girls' sports at the high school level, I had been around girls all my life. Looking back, I had a good number of girlfriends who never knew we were in relationships. All along the way, there was something in me that desired to have a girl who would love me and want to spend the rest of her life with me as much as I did with her. This made me quite uncommon for two reasons: (1) many guys had no desire to have a girlfriend at all, and (2) others were more interested in physical relations and partying than they were in finding someone with which to settle down after school was finished.

While I do not recall exactly what year it began, I was certain I found what I was looking for in a certain young lady with whom I went to school. There was nothing fancy about her, but I was all-in. I liked her parents and I was sure that she was going to be the one. I was so sure that (prior to graduating high school), I put an engagement ring in layaway and was preparing to propose to her. By all appearances, she was on the same page and was planning to spend her life with me. Everything seemed to be going smoothly and happily until her parents started challenging her more regarding her church attendance and spiritual life. As concerned parents, they began challenging her regarding my spiritual condition and rightly told her that she should not be in a relationship with an unsaved person. This would be the beginning of the end of our relationship but would likewise be the very instrument of God by which I would become hungry and thirsty for something greater.

In obedience to her parents, the young lady broke off our relationship. For a young man that had experienced nothing but betrayal and heartache from the actions of those closest to me, this was the most devastating of blows. Be sure, her parents were right and she made the right decision, but that certainly did not make me feel better. In fact, this brought me to the lowest of lows. Looking back, I felt like Jonah when he said, "For thou hadst cast me into the deep, in the midst of the seas; and the floods compasses me about: all thy billows and thy waves passed over me...The waters compassed me about, even to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head. I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars was about me for ever" (Jonah 2:3-6). This would be the hammer in God's hands that would break me.

The end of high school brought about the crashing down of any foundation I had in life. Friends scattered to various colleges and jobs. The comfort zone of attending classes with teachers I knew and classmates I knew in an environment I knew was no longer available. The sport that I had loved (and at times hated) since I was four years old was now in the rearview mirror and would be for the rest of my life. The girl I had thought to marry was ending the relationship. To state it succinctly, I had nothing and I was finally becoming aware of that fact. While I would go on to the University of Tennessee with the expectation of being a high school teacher and coach (like my dad), there was truly no hope and desire to accomplish anything with my life.